On Doubt and Deity
So, let me start this with: I have a godphone.
For those of you who don’t know what that is, it’s generally an internal non-divination way to ‘speak’ with one’s deities. For me I hear them in my mind’s ear (Kind of like when you imagine something in your ‘minds eye’, how you can see it but you’re not physically seeing it? If you can understand what I’m trying to get at. For me it’s like when I’m reading something I ‘hear’ myself reading it, only, in my head. Well, for me, godphoning is like that except it’s not my voice. Sometimes the ‘signal’ is fuzzy and I can’t tell who/what it is, or even if it is mine or not. But other times it’s almost crystal and I know it isn’t mine.Disclaimer! This is just how it seems to work for me, I can’t claim knowledge about anyone else’s experiences and it’s not the only way this thing occurs.
Anyways! When I was doing my pagan microblogging thing over on tumblr I never really spoke of it except something of amusement in passing. I firmly believe in the “If you can’t handle having your authority questioned, you shouldn’t have any authority” type thing So I don’t talk about it. I don’t want the scrutiny and I don’t want to be told that I’m delusional or something because my experiences of dealing with X Deity or Y Deity are different than another, perhaps more experienced person’s. This is still something I worry about but I’m kind of sick of not sharing my experiences due to that kind of fear.
To be honest, as far as this stuff goes I have a hard enough time telling what of this stuff is ‘legit’ and what is just my own imagination.
When I first started, I was trying to find an animal spirit mentor. I did the meditation several times over but kept seeing a fox, a popular animal and so my thought process was that obviously since this is a popular guide animal, this wasn’t a ‘real’ meditation and that the fox wasn’t my ‘real’ spirit mentor and I was just imagining something I wanted. And I have always, always had a very clear very strong imagination. So I continued, after 3 or so times I didn’t see the fox anymore and most of the time I saw nothing.
And then it happened. I went into the meditative space and it caught my attention. I saw the one creature that I would never have imagined or picked on purpose.
Because I know that I would never EVER consciously pick this creature, I accepted it more or less without question and he has helped me greatly through some situations. His aspects mesh surprisingly well with my own values and so on.
But now I think about it a lot what if I missed out on a different experience because of my distrust of myself, my doubt?
Later on I began to work with a few specific Deity. Almost from the beginning I heard and communicated with them rather quickly and clearly. I can’t say that I have exact proof that they are who they say they are. And I know that deities don’t have the same morality and many will lie and swindle humans, but I have faith that they are who they say. I have been working with them for about three years now and I have made no oaths and they have requested no oaths from me. Although one does say they claimed be at my birth but again I can’t verify such things.
I’ve only really opened up about my dealings with these deities to a handful of people, most of which either aren’t really versed in this pagany stuff to begin with and only two of which even deal in the same pantheon all and at the very least they don’t grill or bother me too much about it though they have helped me identify a few imposter issues I’d had. (I kept bumping into a loki that wasn’t well, Loki) But I’m kind of sick of hiding it just from my own insecurities, so I guess this is my rambling introductory post on the issue. If my deities give me the okay I’ll tell you guys more on them and so on but at the very least you can probably look forward to hearing about those adventures even if I end up using nicknames which seems to be pretty popular haha.